The one word I chose to live my live by last year was BALANCE. Balance is something I struggle with and continue to struggle with. The fact that I currently have 14 open tabs in my browser is a living testament :}.
While I do believe I achieved balance in some aspects of my life last year and had some really peaceful moments, I have to ask myself at what cost?
Did I balance myself only when I had no other option? Why do I run myself continuously into the ground, where the only option is to take a break or break down? And when I'm actually taking the rest I need, why do I feel guilty and why do the thoughts in the back of my head keep reverting to all the things I need to get done, all the things I NEED to do? And why do I always feel like I'm not doing enough, or I'm not enough?
When is enough going to be ENOUGH for me? As as aside, this is why I always got in trouble in my high school job as a waitress. It wasn't enough for me to do my job, I also had to run around and help everyone do theirs. :) Not much has changed. I still act the same - that need to do and learn and much as I can is still wholeheartedly present; an admirable trait in some contexts, but in others...not so much.
My life sometimes feels like a roller coaster - sometimes I ride the euphoric highs and sometimes I struggle to get up that hill - professionally and personally. I know that I'm not alone and that we all struggle. I accept this. But I also know that this does not need to be the case, that I can do something about it. I know, deep in my heart that I am strong, that I am capable, that I do make a difference (ok, I really hope I make a difference for my students) .... but this is not easy for me to admit. It is not easy for me to stop, and slow down.
So I think my one word this year needs to be focus.
Focus on what is important.
Focus on what really needs to get done by ME and what others can do.
Focus on letting go - I do not need to do it all, although I really, really, want to.
Focus on what is feasible in my life without running myself down.
Focus on what is a "yes, I can do this" and what is a "no thank you, not right now".
Focus on building the building of me...you know - strong, capable ... making a difference in the right ways.
Here's hoping to a more focused 2019.
I feel better already. :)